wallflower

I guess. I did two songs. One was an upbeat pop song by Amr Diab (Halla Halla) and the other was a jazzy drummy song called Orientails by Body-Shock. My boyfriend took a video so hopefully it will find its way up here soon. 

The performance went well. It was me and two of my dance sisters at the same venue we perform at every month. The audience was very small (10 people maybe). Since tomorrow’s Easter I think everyone stayed home. Usually the small space is packed, but this time there were plenty of empty seats. It was actually kind of nice, because we all sat in the audience and just got up when it was our turn to dance. My dance sisters were great. Everyone did upbeat, energetic and happy songs, and everyone was having a great time. All in all it was a pleasant and exciting night.

So I don’t know why I feel so discouraged with my performance. This month I practiced more than I usually do (I usually perform to the same Hossam Ramzy song, but this month I wanted to do something different, so I had to familiarize myself with the new songs). I felt pretty prepared. I had some new moves and I really enjoyed the songs. Before the show, I was nervous, but good nervous. Excited. I went last, so I got to watch Saamra and Sayyida (those are their dance names not their real names). They were so great and energetic, and I felt really pumped after they performed.

But then when I got out there, I just felt really sloppy and unprepared. I felt like there was no flow to my moves, like I was doing the same thing over and over, but then when I did a different step the transition felt illogical. I felt kind of flustered and muddled and like the audience wasn’t as engaged as they had been earlier. I felt like this was my first performance. I felt like such a beginner. 

I mean, everyone had nice things to say about my performance, and watching the video it doesn’t look nearly as bad as I felt. I’m smiling. I’m not repeating too many steps. I’m not rushing. I don’t look lost and I’m with the music/hitting accents/the moves correspond with the instruments. The flaws were minimal and typical for me (moving my hands too much, looking at the ground instead of audience etc). From the look of things, this was actually one of my better performances.

I guess the problem is that I wasn’t really having fun while I was up there. I knew the music, so I could muddle through and disguise my discomfort. But I just felt like such a terrible dancer. Like I was not on the same level as my dance sisters. They’ve both been dancing much longer than I have, but I never felt like a novice compared to them. Tonight I really felt like a beginner. Which I am. I’ve been dancing for less than two years, but I’ve never felt quite the same sense of inadequacy as I did tonight. 

I’ve been feeling moody lately (full moon? possible pms? life in general? i don’t know), so I don’t know if it’s just me being grumpy pants.

But has anyone else had feelings like that when you’re on stage? Or during practice? Like you’re not the dancer you want to be?